Go With The Flow

“I’m in the river now. Let the water carry me along.”

54 days.

It has been 54 days since I’ve written a post. I took the job at the preschool and started my yoga teacher certification, and since then I’ve spent little to no time on my computer. I can’t say that I am surprised I haven’t written, but I can say that part of me feels incredibly disappointed in myself that it has been so long. The other part of me knows that life led me to a place where writing my blog was not much of an option, and so I must accept.

Breath it in– acknowledge it.

Exhale– let it go.

Ahhhhh.

Every day– every moment– is a chance to start anew.

Sometimes my mind races. I think of a million things I need to do, and I scribble them down on a piece of paper, or I just run and do them real quick while in the middle of doing something else. These kinds of junctures in my life can leave me feeling scatterbrained and disorganized.

So, what is the juncture that I am talking about?

Well, I am moving. I am relocating myself, my belongings, my cats– my whole life to a new city. Again! It’s not exactly a brand new city to me, since I have lived there before, but it’s still a new adventure. I am rebuilding my life. I am recreating me. There is a lot of light and love that I’ve built inside of me, though, and it’s all coming with me.

Life can throw you some serious twists and turns, and when you least expect it, too. It’s easy to get caught up in the wrong perspective sometimes, though, and I’ve learned that it’s important to have the right frame of mind with these kinds of things. What I mean is that in the past I’ve considered moving to Boston as “going backwards” because I’ve already lived there and it’s like going back to when I was 23 and starting all over again. But the other side of that coin is that since I am not exactly starting fresh in a new city, I am being welcomed by a host of people who are excited for my return and I can pick up where I left off. It does not have to be negative. It’s exciting and comforting to know the city of Boston and to have friends and family nearby.

The thing about moving is that it’s scary. And duh! Of course it is! Packing up all your things. Saying goodbye. Finding a new apartment. Starting a new job. Maybe even a new career. It’s understandably a big deal. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I have to let myself feel every single emotion that goes through my body about it all. I wouldn’t be human if I just dealt with it all as a robot. That’s not how we humans work! But of course we can be hard on ourselves sometimes. It’s natural to wish things would hurry up and be done or easier. But we need to slow down. We need to experience. We need to let it all in. And then we can let it all out. We can enjoy the everythings. Even the crazy, unpredictable, emotional, seriously-upsetting moments that make us who we are.

Life is an adventure. Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow. Remember to breath. Remember to relax and enjoy the ride. Let life change. Be okay with the ups and downs and ebbs and flows.

Here’s to new beginnings, new adventures, rebuilding, recreating, and to living, loving, and laughing.

Cheers, tears, and self-love,

-A Xo

 

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Frustration

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Boredom.

What is boredom?

I’ve always thought only boring people get bored.

But recently, I’ve started to believe that anyone can become bored. I don’t consider myself a boring person. In fact, I consider myself spontaneous, exciting, funny, fun, thoughtful, etc. This is not to toot my own horn. I really just don’t think I am a boring person.

So, why the heck have I felt so bored today?

Mostly, I think it’s just because I have a boring job. I sit in a cubicle, all day, by myself with minimal interaction with other humans. My job requires little-to-no brain power and I can finish everything that is expected of me in one day within an hour if I truly worked hard. What do I think about this? I think it’s ridiculous. I think this is a huge contributor of my boredom and unhappiness.

I think my boredom is a sign of something hugely more significant. I think this boredom is trying to tell me something. I think it’s been trying to tell me for a months now. I am not on the right path. I am not doing something I love or care about. I am not living to my full potential.

This is so clear to me, and yet it’s so easy to feel stuck. We all need to pay bills. We want to have health insurance. Of course, on a lighter, but still human level, we all want to feel like we have some place to wake up and go to every morning. But what do you do when you really feel like you are just spinning your wheels, living every day in and out, in complete and utter boredom?

I know I have a dream. I know there is a path that I truly want to take, and I know that it’s not the one I am currently on. But I can’t make time move any faster. I can’t make potential employers call me. I can’t make my current job different than it is. Every day I come in bright and cheery, ready for a day of excitement, challenge, and passion, and everyday I struggle as I watch the clock and the hours of my miserable, boring life go by.

I want to do something! I want to take action! I want to wake up and feel excited everyday, to go to work, to do something I care about, to make a difference in this world for once. I don’t want to sit behind a desk, alone and bored, waiting for something to happen – waiting for an email that will change my life. I want to actually make something happen. But what?! What can I do?? I’ve applied to a bunch of jobs. I cannot make them offer me a position.

I am doing Yoga Teacher Training this summer. That is the path I want. But the thing is, it doesn’t start for 3 more weeks! (I realize that does not sound so far away) but I am not getting paid to do the training. It’s a baby step that is going to put me in the right direction. But it’s time for something to change NOW. While I do the training, I need to make money. I need to be able to pay my bills. I would like to have health insurance.

So, alas, I am stuck with my current job until something changes. I’ve made a list of the things I am grateful for, and while it helps to focus on the positive, to focus on what I have and not on what’s missing, it doesn’t actually cure my boredom. It doesn’t ignite my passion or my energy. It doesn’t make time move. It doesn’t make employers call me.

UGH.

Today I am frustrated.

I Choose These Thoughts

“When one begins to move in the direction of their dreams, a whole host of unexpected things begin to happen that were unthought of in the moment they decided to move.”

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1. Hold the vision, the intention in your mind in terms of the end. Not worrying about how you’re going to get there, that’s for the universe to figure out.

2. Starting point! Step out into the world. When we show up, even though we don’t know the direction we are moving, even though it seems inefficient. the setbacks, the flaws, they are all steps to your arrival.

It’s not until the final seconds that realize you’re there. There are miracles everywhere! It’s always working. Everyone day you get closer. Stick with it. Even though today looks like yesterday. Until suddenly you’re there. Stay the course! Even though sometimes you don’t see the miracles, they will be clear in hindsight after you arrive.

Walk around as if everything is a miracle. Same concerns for all humans. But we practice. We are all amazing! We all have doubts. “If I worry, I worry.” I can’t stop the fear, but I can read and think about what I know to be true. Life is a supernatural gift. I know that we are spiritual beings. We are literally all miracles. Worry and fear are natural in the primitive times we live. We need to cut ourselves some slack. Confidence to not give up in spite of the fear. Doesn’t make the fear go away, but it manages it. If I worry, I worry, but I hold my head high and act as if I wasn’t afraid and move in the direction of my dreams.

“If you do what you can with what you have from where you are it will always be enough.” It always works. Life is beautiful. We all have  an innate inclination to succeed. We always feel that everything seems inadequate, but it’s always more than enough. In spite of worry and fear, we always prevail.

What is it that you want? Once you can conclude, you start taking baby steps. You show up and you know the inevitability.

“Don’t attach to details. All details are unimportant. The details can excite you but the bigger picture is what we really care about.”

The truth: we all have default settings for friendship, laughter, and success so that we can even worry and be negligent and then be blindsided that the dots being connected for us.

Ultimate goal: happiness – (move towards) health, friendship, clarity, laughter, money … you don’t have to think of these things, they will still come into our lives– that’s how inclined we are to succeed. There is so much love, we are so powerful. Even the humblest of efforts will land anyone on their feet in the direction they are inspired to move.

Where you are is not who you are. You are infinitely more. You get to decide where your going regardless of you where you’ve been. You have an innate inclination to succeed. Don’t worry about your fear or negativity, just do what you can with what you’ve got. Hold on to the vision.

“Your thoughts become things… so choose the good ones!”

“Sometimes when things take longer than you thought they would, it’s just a gentle reminder from your greater yourself that you have more time than you thought and that there’s a journey to enjoy.”

The Four Agreements:

1. I am impeccable with my word. (No more talking poorly about ourselves or others!)

2. I don’t take anything personally. (What other people say and do is a projection of who they are!)

3. I don’t make assumptions. (Don’t assume I know and understand what people mean. Find the courage to ask questions!)

4. Always do your best! (And your best changes from day to day.)

Enjoy the path traveled and you’ll get to the destination! Be okay with being messy, with being a disaster before becoming a master. Enjoy the action without expectation of a reward. HAVE fun and do what you love in life! Do what you love, not what you get paid the most for. Enjoy the action! Live in the moment and have patience with yourself. Do your best. Always ask yourself, “Is this my absolute best right now?”

Be patient with other people. Be patient with yourself! ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST!

Immediate forgiveness. Become immune to the opinions and actions of others. Don’t harbor anger or disappointment. “It’s like drinking poison and then expecting them to die!” Whatever people say and do is a projection of themselves. We become so much more powerful when we don’t take things people say or do. Be gentle with people.

Be the change we want to see in the world.

Environment is stronger than will power. People get sucked into negativity. My wealth can only grow to the extent in which I am willing to grow myself. 

Connect the dot that life is beautiful, that there is divine order. Everything is a miracle. Connect the dots you need but don’t connect dots you can’t connect.

If you want change, define the result. Don’t worry about the hows, just figure out the destination. But that doesn’t mean don’t take action. Take lots of massive action! Dream up your end results… let them be general, not encumbered with details. Everyday, do stuff, but not the cursed hows. Do the best you can and then turn it over your greater self, to the universe. Work smart. Make yourself available to life’s magic. Network, mingle, try websites, ask for help, speak, find out where it feels good. Find out where it feels lousy. Knock on all the doors. Keep trying different things. Where things work, you find progress.

“Have your dreams and show up every single day. Be prepared to be astounded!”

Don’t base conclusions only on things you can see. Miracles are happening everyday that we cannot see. Don’t draw conclusions with our physical senses. Everything will look the same. Don’t draw the conclusion that it’s not working. It’s working for you right now! Everyday you get closer. Everyday it gets easier. Hang in there despite of appearances. You’re powerful. You’re not broken. Keep showing up!

Negative thoughts don’t stand much of a chance against our natural optimism that we don’t even give ourselves credit for having. Positive thoughts align so much more with our natural selves.”

“Where you are is never who you are. You are infinitely more.”

Step towards the light. How do we start? Take what’s good and reject the rest. On a dime, you can wake up to the truth. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Choose the least sucky option and go! Just don’t wait. Don’t worry about hows. Say yes. Have a great attitude. Take micro baby steps.

Know what the truth is. When you know what the truth is, you are free from guilt, you are free from confusion and you immediately begin gravitating towards who you really are. You may seem lost at first. But you honor who you are and who emerges as you discover who you are. You follow your heart and it gets easier and easier and easier. You are inclined to succeed.

These words are inspired by Mike Dooley with Notes of the Universe. What a truly lovely and inspiring human being.

How Do We Know What We Know?

howknow?

A plan. We develop these plans. We try to plan our lives out instead of letting the divine nature of it works itself out. But we cannot blame ourselves for this. We are conditioned to do this. We are not conditioned to “let things happen” but instead “make things happen.” I fall somewhere in between these two ideals.

I believe I am the master of my universe.

Therefore, I make my life what I want it to be.

But I believe in the divine nature of my life as well as the karmic agreements that I made before I was even born.

Where does this leave my ego that wants to fulfill both beliefs?

Make things happen and let things happen.

Create, but let go.

Where the heck do I fit it in the middle of the two?

I didn’t really try to be a writer, it just happened. I guess I didn’t really try to be a musician either, it just happened. My parents offered my piano lessons when I was a child, but the music I play now I feel just comes out of me. Sometimes I just sit at the piano and just play. I am not composing masterpieces, but I am also not really using music theory and knowledge to create. It just flows out of me, out of my fingertips, into the piano, and out comes beautiful, beautiful song.

Could I do this even without the piano lessons I took as a child? I guess I don’t truly know. I use some of the theory I remember, I know the chords because of the lessons. I know the notes because of the lessons. But I don’t always use them to play. This is interesting to me.

Writing is completely natural. Yes, I want to do it, but I also don’t have to try. It just flows out of me. My thoughts on to [digital] paper. I have editing skills which is great, but the writing just flows.

I love to write about spirituality, emotional awareness, happiness, growth, personal development, self-love, radical self acceptance, meditation, etc.

I don’t love to write about math. Part of the reason I don’t want this position in NYC is because I don’t get excited at the prospect of writing math lessons anymore. I am good at it, sure, at least I think I am. Relatively good at it let’s say. But I don’t get particularly excited about it. And that’s okay. This other stuff, though, it excites me. I live through it. I live of it. It’s a natural state. A natural flow. A divine flow.

This week has been very self-involved for me. While I think that can be good, I think it’s so important to do stuff for others. And this is another tricky place to be stuck in between. We want to be “selfish” in the sense that we are self-loving and self-accepting and we want to do what’s best for us, but we also want to let go of ourselves sometimes, by volunteering or doing for others, so that we can take the focus off of ourselves. I think both of these things healthy. Too much of one can drive us a little mad.

There are no expectations of me this weekend. I can 100% just relax and chill and be on vacation. And do you know what my brain is doing? It is trying to figure out how to be busy. It wants to “do” something. It wants an activity. But why? Why is not okay just to relax and having nothing to do? Why does my brain feel the need to distract itself from itself? Why not just sit with emotions? Sit with feelings? Sit with thoughts? And do nothing, nothing, nothing about them.

We are not used to that. We are not to that concept even. We say things like “keep busy” and “distract yourself” when feeling bad or when something bad happens. Why do we do that? Why don’t we embrace sadness, loneliness, and feelings of uneasiness? Why do we want to distract ourselves? As if what we are feeling is not okay? But it is okay. Also, it’s real. It’s genuine. What you feel is real. Why deny yourself that? Why distract yourself with noise so that you can’t hear the natural silence?  It seems counterintuitive to me, yet this is how we think. How we are raised. How we are expected to behave. And if want to do something different, we have to make concerted efforts. We have to try to be different. We don’t naturally accept. We naturally reject.

We have to recondition ourselves when we reach this awareness. We have to reparent ourselves. Take away the need to fix, and instead just let things be. Good or bad. Just let it be. Just relax. Just breath. Just sit.

This Brain, It Just Keeps Churning

I woke up this morning to my mother frantically knocking on my door. “Are you awake?!” she yelled. And just like that, I went from a 30-year-old independent woman getting ready for a job interview to a 14-year-old angry teenager who doesn’t want to go to school.

Does my mom know she contributes to these kinds of feelings for me? Maybe, but probably not. She knows no other way. She’s not going to stop being my mom. Not ever, ever, ever.

I don’t blame her for my feelings. That wouldn’t be healthy. I don’t blame myself for getting frustrated with it. That’s not healthy either. I guess I’ll just take responsibility for my end, which is to say, that I let myself fall into the trap, even with all my awareness and consciousness I’ve gained recently. And I hold my mother accountable for her end.

Today, I began to feel worry. It’s different from anxiety, but it’s still something related. I cut the ties to anxiety the other day so I am surprised to experience this emotion today.

I think I can identify where this feeling is coming from though. Today I interviewed for a job in NY. I do not live in NY, but I am from NY. My parents, brother, and family live in NY. I told everyone I wanted to move back to NY. I even told myself I wanted to move back to NY.

So, where’s the worry then, you ask?

I don’t know if I truly want to move back to NY.

Warning: Lots of stream of consciousness going forward. 

Did the morning victimization influence my susceptibility to worry? Perhaps. I do not know for sure.

Turns out there is a lot I don’t know. This must be okay, though.

Where has my strength gone? AH! Here it is. Here is the self-rejection. I can see that I have begun to reject myself. I have begun to distrust my strength and judgement, and instead feel like I am incapable of making good decisions. This is an old, old habit. I keep wondering if staying at my parent’s house is contributing to this… Maybe, maybe not. But could I be stronger? Yes.

So, where did that trust I was building for myself go? Did I really let it go that easily? Gosh. Old habits dies REALLY, REALLY hard. I could feel the trust that I had been building up for myself the last few weeks starting to melt away. I could sense a loss. I can take responsibility for this. There is no blame here. Though I definitely noticed, I choose to accept it. It is okay.

In addition to being uncertain that I am strong and a good decision-maker, I’ve begun to feel bad for taking a step backwards in my spiritual growth. This is also self-rejection. As if the pace I am going at is not good enough. When in reality, it is perfect just the way it is. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And  truly, deep down inside, I know this.

I know that staying in my parents house, the house I grew up in, the bedroom I slept in as a small child and an angsty teenager gives me weird feelings. I feel like a victim here. I grew up as a victim here. I see myself as a victim here  and it’s almost as if I allow it to happen again. My power is diminished little by little the longer I stay here. I wonder… can I stop this? If I believe I am powerful, that I am the master of my universe, and that I can overcome the power of the victim trap here, can I truly do it? Well, why not?

Everyone in my family gave me directions to Soho today. I must have talked about it with 5 different people, and all in serious, serious detail. I’ve already conquered Boston, Chicago… hell, I’ve even lived in Japan… but the thought of little Ali traveling to NYC alone is unheard of in my family, myself includedMy brother, trying to help me of course, says things like ,”but she’s not going to know which direction to go when she gets out of Penn Station.” Is he wrong? No. Does he believe I can do it? Yeah, probably, though with difficulty, of course. My mother is so PROUD of me for being able to successfully take one trip to NYC from the suburbs on my own, as if it’s the greatest accomplishment (because she would never do that). What kinds of messages does this send to my brain? Again, I am not blaming. I am just noticing. Did I even believe I could do it? Yeah, but somewhat wearily (of course, it was 100% fine in the end).

I wore a suit today. I am a straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever? oh oh oh) t-shirt, jeans, and converse girl, so seeing myself in a business suit is… interesting. I’ll just say that. When I saw my dad in the morning, I said, “Daddy, look!” And you know what he said? “There’s my girl!” Daddy has always wanted me to be a business woman working in NYC. Will my life ever match his dream for me? Definitely not. But I think he accepts me for who I became anyway (while secretly still wishing I’d end up the CEO he always used to tell me I’d one day be).

I haven’t done a lot of my own to be completely honest. I’ve done a lot in this lifetime. But I haven’t done a lot alone, by myself. Why should I be scared of commuting and traveling around NYC alone? I made it perfectly okay to and from the city, so why does it even seem like I wouldn’t be able to in the first place? No one would question my brothers’ abilities to do it. Yes, they have both done it a million times by now, but in the beginning, did anyone question their capabilities as much as they do mine? Did they ever question their own as my as I question mine? Why didn’t I just trust myself? (is this self-rejection here?)

Again, no blame. Trying to just be a dispassionate observer.

Where does this come from? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don’t we trust? Why don’t we just love? Why have we evolved in a way that requires us to do so much repair? There must be a divine reason. We clearly evolved as group of people in a certain way. We were not born with fear. We were not born with anxiety, or hate, or rejection. But here it resides, no, thrives in our existence.

Why did people evolve to have such hate for themselves and for others? Why did we develop perfectionism? Why did we develop discrimination? Why do we separate ourselves to become such an “I” instead of a “we”? We are birthed literally through someone, so why do we spend our lives, separating ourselves, to individualize ourselves, only to reject ourselves in the process?

Why didn’t we evolve in a way that we know we were made of love, that we have Buddha nature. Why don’t we know that we are miracles? Living, thinking, breathing, feeling… why fill these up with anything but love? Why are we so afraid of love? Why are we so afraid of life?

I don’t want to move to New York City. Not even a little. I didn’t like the hustle and bustle. I didn’t like the speed. I didn’t like noise, the movement, the pace, the commute, the energy. I did not like the energy.

The next thought is another place that I am rejecting myself. I have already begun to think: how am I going to explain to people that I no longer am sure I want to move to NY? What am I going to do if I don’t move to NY? What if everyone just assumes it’s because I want to be with my ex-boyfriend? What if they are right? What if they are wrong? What does it matter what they think anyway? What do I think? What if I don’t know what I think? How do we know what we know?

What does my intuition feel? I know I must meditate on this.

I want my strength. I believe I can have it. So I am strong.

I want my love. I believe I can have it. So I am love.

I fill my heart with my love.

I warm my heart with love.

I surround my heart with love.

And now my heart is love.