Go With The Flow

“I’m in the river now. Let the water carry me along.”

54 days.

It has been 54 days since I’ve written a post. I took the job at the preschool and started my yoga teacher certification, and since then I’ve spent little to no time on my computer. I can’t say that I am surprised I haven’t written, but I can say that part of me feels incredibly disappointed in myself that it has been so long. The other part of me knows that life led me to a place where writing my blog was not much of an option, and so I must accept.

Breath it in– acknowledge it.

Exhale– let it go.

Ahhhhh.

Every day– every moment– is a chance to start anew.

Sometimes my mind races. I think of a million things I need to do, and I scribble them down on a piece of paper, or I just run and do them real quick while in the middle of doing something else. These kinds of junctures in my life can leave me feeling scatterbrained and disorganized.

So, what is the juncture that I am talking about?

Well, I am moving. I am relocating myself, my belongings, my cats– my whole life to a new city. Again! It’s not exactly a brand new city to me, since I have lived there before, but it’s still a new adventure. I am rebuilding my life. I am recreating me. There is a lot of light and love that I’ve built inside of me, though, and it’s all coming with me.

Life can throw you some serious twists and turns, and when you least expect it, too. It’s easy to get caught up in the wrong perspective sometimes, though, and I’ve learned that it’s important to have the right frame of mind with these kinds of things. What I mean is that in the past I’ve considered moving to Boston as “going backwards” because I’ve already lived there and it’s like going back to when I was 23 and starting all over again. But the other side of that coin is that since I am not exactly starting fresh in a new city, I am being welcomed by a host of people who are excited for my return and I can pick up where I left off. It does not have to be negative. It’s exciting and comforting to know the city of Boston and to have friends and family nearby.

The thing about moving is that it’s scary. And duh! Of course it is! Packing up all your things. Saying goodbye. Finding a new apartment. Starting a new job. Maybe even a new career. It’s understandably a big deal. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I have to let myself feel every single emotion that goes through my body about it all. I wouldn’t be human if I just dealt with it all as a robot. That’s not how we humans work! But of course we can be hard on ourselves sometimes. It’s natural to wish things would hurry up and be done or easier. But we need to slow down. We need to experience. We need to let it all in. And then we can let it all out. We can enjoy the everythings. Even the crazy, unpredictable, emotional, seriously-upsetting moments that make us who we are.

Life is an adventure. Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow. Remember to breath. Remember to relax and enjoy the ride. Let life change. Be okay with the ups and downs and ebbs and flows.

Here’s to new beginnings, new adventures, rebuilding, recreating, and to living, loving, and laughing.

Cheers, tears, and self-love,

-A Xo

 

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How Do We Know What We Know?

howknow?

A plan. We develop these plans. We try to plan our lives out instead of letting the divine nature of it works itself out. But we cannot blame ourselves for this. We are conditioned to do this. We are not conditioned to “let things happen” but instead “make things happen.” I fall somewhere in between these two ideals.

I believe I am the master of my universe.

Therefore, I make my life what I want it to be.

But I believe in the divine nature of my life as well as the karmic agreements that I made before I was even born.

Where does this leave my ego that wants to fulfill both beliefs?

Make things happen and let things happen.

Create, but let go.

Where the heck do I fit it in the middle of the two?

I didn’t really try to be a writer, it just happened. I guess I didn’t really try to be a musician either, it just happened. My parents offered my piano lessons when I was a child, but the music I play now I feel just comes out of me. Sometimes I just sit at the piano and just play. I am not composing masterpieces, but I am also not really using music theory and knowledge to create. It just flows out of me, out of my fingertips, into the piano, and out comes beautiful, beautiful song.

Could I do this even without the piano lessons I took as a child? I guess I don’t truly know. I use some of the theory I remember, I know the chords because of the lessons. I know the notes because of the lessons. But I don’t always use them to play. This is interesting to me.

Writing is completely natural. Yes, I want to do it, but I also don’t have to try. It just flows out of me. My thoughts on to [digital] paper. I have editing skills which is great, but the writing just flows.

I love to write about spirituality, emotional awareness, happiness, growth, personal development, self-love, radical self acceptance, meditation, etc.

I don’t love to write about math. Part of the reason I don’t want this position in NYC is because I don’t get excited at the prospect of writing math lessons anymore. I am good at it, sure, at least I think I am. Relatively good at it let’s say. But I don’t get particularly excited about it. And that’s okay. This other stuff, though, it excites me. I live through it. I live of it. It’s a natural state. A natural flow. A divine flow.

This week has been very self-involved for me. While I think that can be good, I think it’s so important to do stuff for others. And this is another tricky place to be stuck in between. We want to be “selfish” in the sense that we are self-loving and self-accepting and we want to do what’s best for us, but we also want to let go of ourselves sometimes, by volunteering or doing for others, so that we can take the focus off of ourselves. I think both of these things healthy. Too much of one can drive us a little mad.

There are no expectations of me this weekend. I can 100% just relax and chill and be on vacation. And do you know what my brain is doing? It is trying to figure out how to be busy. It wants to “do” something. It wants an activity. But why? Why is not okay just to relax and having nothing to do? Why does my brain feel the need to distract itself from itself? Why not just sit with emotions? Sit with feelings? Sit with thoughts? And do nothing, nothing, nothing about them.

We are not used to that. We are not to that concept even. We say things like “keep busy” and “distract yourself” when feeling bad or when something bad happens. Why do we do that? Why don’t we embrace sadness, loneliness, and feelings of uneasiness? Why do we want to distract ourselves? As if what we are feeling is not okay? But it is okay. Also, it’s real. It’s genuine. What you feel is real. Why deny yourself that? Why distract yourself with noise so that you can’t hear the natural silence?  It seems counterintuitive to me, yet this is how we think. How we are raised. How we are expected to behave. And if want to do something different, we have to make concerted efforts. We have to try to be different. We don’t naturally accept. We naturally reject.

We have to recondition ourselves when we reach this awareness. We have to reparent ourselves. Take away the need to fix, and instead just let things be. Good or bad. Just let it be. Just relax. Just breath. Just sit.