Go With The Flow

“I’m in the river now. Let the water carry me along.”

54 days.

It has been 54 days since I’ve written a post. I took the job at the preschool and started my yoga teacher certification, and since then I’ve spent little to no time on my computer. I can’t say that I am surprised I haven’t written, but I can say that part of me feels incredibly disappointed in myself that it has been so long. The other part of me knows that life led me to a place where writing my blog was not much of an option, and so I must accept.

Breath it in– acknowledge it.

Exhale– let it go.

Ahhhhh.

Every day– every moment– is a chance to start anew.

Sometimes my mind races. I think of a million things I need to do, and I scribble them down on a piece of paper, or I just run and do them real quick while in the middle of doing something else. These kinds of junctures in my life can leave me feeling scatterbrained and disorganized.

So, what is the juncture that I am talking about?

Well, I am moving. I am relocating myself, my belongings, my cats– my whole life to a new city. Again! It’s not exactly a brand new city to me, since I have lived there before, but it’s still a new adventure. I am rebuilding my life. I am recreating me. There is a lot of light and love that I’ve built inside of me, though, and it’s all coming with me.

Life can throw you some serious twists and turns, and when you least expect it, too. It’s easy to get caught up in the wrong perspective sometimes, though, and I’ve learned that it’s important to have the right frame of mind with these kinds of things. What I mean is that in the past I’ve considered moving to Boston as “going backwards” because I’ve already lived there and it’s like going back to when I was 23 and starting all over again. But the other side of that coin is that since I am not exactly starting fresh in a new city, I am being welcomed by a host of people who are excited for my return and I can pick up where I left off. It does not have to be negative. It’s exciting and comforting to know the city of Boston and to have friends and family nearby.

The thing about moving is that it’s scary. And duh! Of course it is! Packing up all your things. Saying goodbye. Finding a new apartment. Starting a new job. Maybe even a new career. It’s understandably a big deal. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I have to let myself feel every single emotion that goes through my body about it all. I wouldn’t be human if I just dealt with it all as a robot. That’s not how we humans work! But of course we can be hard on ourselves sometimes. It’s natural to wish things would hurry up and be done or easier. But we need to slow down. We need to experience. We need to let it all in. And then we can let it all out. We can enjoy the everythings. Even the crazy, unpredictable, emotional, seriously-upsetting moments that make us who we are.

Life is an adventure. Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow. Remember to breath. Remember to relax and enjoy the ride. Let life change. Be okay with the ups and downs and ebbs and flows.

Here’s to new beginnings, new adventures, rebuilding, recreating, and to living, loving, and laughing.

Cheers, tears, and self-love,

-A Xo

 

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This Brain, It Just Keeps Churning

I woke up this morning to my mother frantically knocking on my door. “Are you awake?!” she yelled. And just like that, I went from a 30-year-old independent woman getting ready for a job interview to a 14-year-old angry teenager who doesn’t want to go to school.

Does my mom know she contributes to these kinds of feelings for me? Maybe, but probably not. She knows no other way. She’s not going to stop being my mom. Not ever, ever, ever.

I don’t blame her for my feelings. That wouldn’t be healthy. I don’t blame myself for getting frustrated with it. That’s not healthy either. I guess I’ll just take responsibility for my end, which is to say, that I let myself fall into the trap, even with all my awareness and consciousness I’ve gained recently. And I hold my mother accountable for her end.

Today, I began to feel worry. It’s different from anxiety, but it’s still something related. I cut the ties to anxiety the other day so I am surprised to experience this emotion today.

I think I can identify where this feeling is coming from though. Today I interviewed for a job in NY. I do not live in NY, but I am from NY. My parents, brother, and family live in NY. I told everyone I wanted to move back to NY. I even told myself I wanted to move back to NY.

So, where’s the worry then, you ask?

I don’t know if I truly want to move back to NY.

Warning: Lots of stream of consciousness going forward. 

Did the morning victimization influence my susceptibility to worry? Perhaps. I do not know for sure.

Turns out there is a lot I don’t know. This must be okay, though.

Where has my strength gone? AH! Here it is. Here is the self-rejection. I can see that I have begun to reject myself. I have begun to distrust my strength and judgement, and instead feel like I am incapable of making good decisions. This is an old, old habit. I keep wondering if staying at my parent’s house is contributing to this… Maybe, maybe not. But could I be stronger? Yes.

So, where did that trust I was building for myself go? Did I really let it go that easily? Gosh. Old habits dies REALLY, REALLY hard. I could feel the trust that I had been building up for myself the last few weeks starting to melt away. I could sense a loss. I can take responsibility for this. There is no blame here. Though I definitely noticed, I choose to accept it. It is okay.

In addition to being uncertain that I am strong and a good decision-maker, I’ve begun to feel bad for taking a step backwards in my spiritual growth. This is also self-rejection. As if the pace I am going at is not good enough. When in reality, it is perfect just the way it is. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And  truly, deep down inside, I know this.

I know that staying in my parents house, the house I grew up in, the bedroom I slept in as a small child and an angsty teenager gives me weird feelings. I feel like a victim here. I grew up as a victim here. I see myself as a victim here  and it’s almost as if I allow it to happen again. My power is diminished little by little the longer I stay here. I wonder… can I stop this? If I believe I am powerful, that I am the master of my universe, and that I can overcome the power of the victim trap here, can I truly do it? Well, why not?

Everyone in my family gave me directions to Soho today. I must have talked about it with 5 different people, and all in serious, serious detail. I’ve already conquered Boston, Chicago… hell, I’ve even lived in Japan… but the thought of little Ali traveling to NYC alone is unheard of in my family, myself includedMy brother, trying to help me of course, says things like ,”but she’s not going to know which direction to go when she gets out of Penn Station.” Is he wrong? No. Does he believe I can do it? Yeah, probably, though with difficulty, of course. My mother is so PROUD of me for being able to successfully take one trip to NYC from the suburbs on my own, as if it’s the greatest accomplishment (because she would never do that). What kinds of messages does this send to my brain? Again, I am not blaming. I am just noticing. Did I even believe I could do it? Yeah, but somewhat wearily (of course, it was 100% fine in the end).

I wore a suit today. I am a straight up (now tell me do you really wanna love me forever? oh oh oh) t-shirt, jeans, and converse girl, so seeing myself in a business suit is… interesting. I’ll just say that. When I saw my dad in the morning, I said, “Daddy, look!” And you know what he said? “There’s my girl!” Daddy has always wanted me to be a business woman working in NYC. Will my life ever match his dream for me? Definitely not. But I think he accepts me for who I became anyway (while secretly still wishing I’d end up the CEO he always used to tell me I’d one day be).

I haven’t done a lot of my own to be completely honest. I’ve done a lot in this lifetime. But I haven’t done a lot alone, by myself. Why should I be scared of commuting and traveling around NYC alone? I made it perfectly okay to and from the city, so why does it even seem like I wouldn’t be able to in the first place? No one would question my brothers’ abilities to do it. Yes, they have both done it a million times by now, but in the beginning, did anyone question their capabilities as much as they do mine? Did they ever question their own as my as I question mine? Why didn’t I just trust myself? (is this self-rejection here?)

Again, no blame. Trying to just be a dispassionate observer.

Where does this come from? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don’t we trust? Why don’t we just love? Why have we evolved in a way that requires us to do so much repair? There must be a divine reason. We clearly evolved as group of people in a certain way. We were not born with fear. We were not born with anxiety, or hate, or rejection. But here it resides, no, thrives in our existence.

Why did people evolve to have such hate for themselves and for others? Why did we develop perfectionism? Why did we develop discrimination? Why do we separate ourselves to become such an “I” instead of a “we”? We are birthed literally through someone, so why do we spend our lives, separating ourselves, to individualize ourselves, only to reject ourselves in the process?

Why didn’t we evolve in a way that we know we were made of love, that we have Buddha nature. Why don’t we know that we are miracles? Living, thinking, breathing, feeling… why fill these up with anything but love? Why are we so afraid of love? Why are we so afraid of life?

I don’t want to move to New York City. Not even a little. I didn’t like the hustle and bustle. I didn’t like the speed. I didn’t like noise, the movement, the pace, the commute, the energy. I did not like the energy.

The next thought is another place that I am rejecting myself. I have already begun to think: how am I going to explain to people that I no longer am sure I want to move to NY? What am I going to do if I don’t move to NY? What if everyone just assumes it’s because I want to be with my ex-boyfriend? What if they are right? What if they are wrong? What does it matter what they think anyway? What do I think? What if I don’t know what I think? How do we know what we know?

What does my intuition feel? I know I must meditate on this.

I want my strength. I believe I can have it. So I am strong.

I want my love. I believe I can have it. So I am love.

I fill my heart with my love.

I warm my heart with love.

I surround my heart with love.

And now my heart is love.

Goodbye

goodbye

Today I am making a choice.

Today I choose that I will NO LONGER have anxiety.

I rid myself of it. Starting today. No more.

I have been making excuses for my anxiety. I have been rationalizing my anxiety. I have been forgiving of my anxiety. I have even been THANKFUL for my anxiety.

But starting today, I do not want it in my life. Today I am done with it.

I am powerful. I am strong. I am the master of my universe.

Today I decide that I do not want anxiety. And today will be the day that I no longer have anxiety.

I am thankful for any and all knowledge I have gained from having it in the past, and with that acknowledgment and gratitude, I rid myself of it.

See ya! Sayonara! Farewell! Adiós!

Peace!

 

Namaste. :)

More Soul Challenges

challenges-soul

It’s an interesting time for me. Lots of transitions. Lots of soul tests. Lots of challenges.

But, alas, I am trying to be thankful for the challenges. I don’t need to question them. I could just accept them. And more than that, I could embrace them and be thankful for them. They are happening for a reason, a reason that although my ego doesn’t always understand (though I give it credit for trying!), my soul knows. My soul understands. My soul knows what it’s doing. I am thankful to my soul for taking care of me.

I own this challenge. I take responsibility for this challenge. It is no one’s fault; there is no blame. This doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing. Challenges build strength. I am thankful for the opportunity to become stronger.

Focus on what can be learned.

Focus on what can be learned.

Focus on what can be learned.

We’re Alright

Image

This morning my soul faced a pretty big test.

What do I mean by this? Well, what I mean is that I experienced some anxiety this morning, and I was faced with the challenge of understanding the emotion, and more importantly, not freaking out about it.

Anxiety has always been a part of me. I’ve gotten so much better at handling it these past 6-7 years. I’ve practiced and practiced. And still, it just comes. Usually, I can identify what is causing it, which I think is really important. It’s not a blame-game, it’s merely an understanding of what might be triggering the feeling. Today, I knew exactly what was causing my anxiety. It was the need to make a big decision, a decision that has all sorts of consequences. One of the key things I did to handle my anxiety was to ask myself this: Can you honestly say that you are okay with all consequences (good and bad) that can arise?

I had to take some time to really think about it. I believe this part is the test of my soul. Patience is not easy. Giving myself time to think and process is not easy, but sometimes I just have to sit with the emotion long enough to come to a conclusion. How did I know I was ready? Well, there was an absence of the anxiety. At least, mostly. If I were to be completely honest with myself (which I could be) then I can admit that there is still some, but enough has been cleared away that I was able to make a clear-enough-headed decision. Some of the other questions I asked myself during my soul test were 1. What is your truth? 2. What exactly are you looking to get out of this? These were important questions for me at this time.

Ultimately, after my anxiety had resided and I was confident that I can deal with all and any consequences that may follow, I was able to make my decision. I took some time to think about it and as I did, I remembered that I am a WARRIOR. A warrior who can handle anything thrown at me. I don’t break easily. I don’t bend easily (though that is not to say I don’t bend at all). I am not perfect, but I am strong. And I am even stronger than I think. I can handle pain. I can handle hurt. I can handle anxiety and anything else that comes my way.

I am the master of my universe and I determine what happens in my life. I decide what I want my life to look like. My feelings come, and I don’t control that, but when they are here, I am able to recognize and wholly accept them. And when I do that, then I am able to control my life. They fade away as I sit with them. The negative emotions, the tough times– these are opportunities for me to ask myself questions and ultimately learn and grow. I don’t believe in mistakes, only opportunities to learn.

What did I learn from this? I learned that the topic in which my big decision surrounded gives me some anxiety. I can accept and understand that. What else did I learn? I learned that I can handle and control this anxiety. I learned that my anxiety can pass, and it always will. I learned that my strength will always endure, no matter what. My soul will make sure of that. My ego may not always remember, but my soul certainly does. It is there for me, and I am grateful for it.

And with that, I practice gratitude. I am thankful for everything in my life, the good and the bad. I am thankful that I can breathe and think and process and feel. I am thankful that through my anxiety, I can gain so much wisdom. If I didn’t get anxiety, would I have as many opportunities to learn? (Don’t answer that, rhetorical question!)

 

Handling Emotions

stronger than you think

Emotions can be really tough sometimes, especially the negative ones. If you’re feeling sad, angry, anxious, hurt, or upset, read this article and learn how to put the emotion in perspective, so that you can handle it and be your happiest self.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-handle-negative-emotions.html

 

Staying In The Midst Of It All

When there’s a problem, your first thought is probably something along the lines of, how can I fix this?

When something feels wrong, you might think, how can I make this right?

Catastrophe strikes and people tend to go into problem-solving mode. This can true of anything, but it is especially true in regards to feelings. So often when people feel unhappy, they think to to themselves, what can I do to make myself feel happy again? 

What I want to tell you is that sometimes you just don’t have to fix it. Sometimes it’s okay to be upset. In fact, it’s healthy to go through a range of emotions. I am not saying you should go around being angry, depressed, miserable, or unhappy all the time. But what I am saying is that at different times we go through different emotions and it’s absolutely okay to feel what you are feeling, whatever that feeling may be.

When you say to yourself, it’s okay if I am upset right now, it makes sense to feel this way, you are allowing yourself to process your feelings while simultaneously getting over whatever it was that bothered you in the first place. This is healthy. This is supportive and understanding self-talk. This is what you deserve. The more you fight what you feel, the more pressure there is to be different, to change, to alter your truest nature, and you don’t have to do that. You have the right to be exactly as you are (provided you are not murdering, hurting, or committing an intrinsically evil act).

The most important thing to keep in mind is that feelings are just feelings just like thoughts are just thoughts, and these things do not define you. They do not make you who you are. You can feel angry, sad, depressed, jealous, envious, upset, or ANYTHING, but this is not YOU. This is just a feeling that you are having in this moment and it will pass. It’s what you DO that counts. And even those things can be forgiven and forgotten, so don’t get hung up on anything too much, especially on these things we call feelings. Who you are is so much bigger– so much better– than any feeling you may have. You have life, soul, and heart. You give, act, listen, talk, engage, and bring. You are a great person and if you feel mad, then feel mad. Then let it pass. What might be helpful is to ask yourself, what’s next? Then, when you are ready to move on, you will, and you don’t have to feel bad, guilty, or sad for feeling what you felt. Just go ahead and move on to the next part of your adventure that is life. Forgive, forget, and move on. Isn’t that great?

Cheers to all that life has to offer and more.

xoxo

-A

Around The Clock I Go

Wind me up again and again.

It’s like a never ending roller coaster.

It’s a merry-go-round. 

Life is a roller coaster. The truth is the easiest thing to do is just to accept it. Life is a series of ebbs and flows where we experience ups and downs and lefts and rights constantly. If you can learn to accept this fate, it will become easier and easier to handle every time an emotion changes from one to the next. Don’t expect life just to be one straight line. It’d be boring that way anyway! Expect a wide range of emotions and let yourself feel each and every one of these emotions. Happiness isn’t the only one! Feel sad, feel angry, feel anxious, feel uplifted, feel excited, feel grief, feel tense, feel it ALL! That’s what is great about being human. We get to experience all of these passionate emotions day in and day out. We are not robots. We are human beings and we should expect to feel all sorts of different things throughout the course of our lives. LOVE IT because really, what else is there if not love for yourself