From Frustration To Forgiveness Part II

stardust

In my last post, I wrote about a day filled with boredom,  frustration, and impatience. Today I want to write about how I think there is MUCH to be gained from a day like that.

After leaving work early that day, filled with resentment for my current job, frustration that potential employers weren’t calling, impatient that yoga teacher training wasn’t starting for 3 [whole!] weeks, I spent the rest of the afternoon playing music. By the time I got home, everything had switched gears for me. I had set my mood right and wonderful things were happening. That night I wrote a note to myself about forgiveness and letting things go. I told myself that it was okay that I was in a shit mood earlier in the day. I allowed myself to forgive. And it’s not that I was forgiving the shit mood exactly, it was more that I was forgiving myself for getting frustrated with my shit mood and putting the expectation on myself that I should have felt differently.

I know the truth is that whatever I am feeling in any given moment is exactly what I am supposed to be feeling. The same goes for whatever I am doing. Whatever I am doing is exactly what I am supposed to be doing at that moment. Wherever I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. It’s all just part of the plan. I don’t have to be mad at myself for feeling shitty. What I can do, though, is notice the emotion, observe it, and then let it go when it’s done. I may not be able to change my feelings, but I can detach from them. I can watch them as they come and go, and I can even be thankful for their existence.

The reason I can be thankful for the boredom and frustration I felt the other day is because it was like bright, flaring lights flashing directly in front of me screaming, “You’re not on the right path!” “Make a different choice!” “Do something differently!” “Take caution!” And you know what? That’s great! What a wonderful gift to be given. I am thankful that I felt something strong enough to influence me to notice something needs to change, and to take action.

I cannot stand boredom. I like being challenged. I crave human connection. These are all things I cannot get at my current job. That does not mean I am not grateful for the opportunity I’ve had to learn, grow, and work where I work– instead, it just means it’s time to move on.

Thank you anger, frustration, boredom, and impatience for helping me realize I need to do something about my professional work life.

Thank you forgiveness for helping me let it go.

As a side note, the next day after my shit mood day, I ended up being offered a preschool teaching position! What wonderful news! I had to weigh the pros and cons, but ultimately, I knew this is what I wanted and I was so very thankful to have the opportunity to make it happen. The funny thing about the Universe is that if you don’t know what you want, it won’t know what to give you. But, the second you are clear with what you want, and you pitch it to the Universe, the Universe hears you and gives it to you. It’s that incredible. All this time I had been really uncertain about what I wanted to do. I thought about quitting my job. I thought about staying. I thought about moving. I thought about not moving. I just had no idea. Then, finally, I just decided. I want to teach preschool for the summer. That’s what I want. I have an idea for the future, yes, but for right now, what I need to focus on is that there are tons of signs pointing towards leaving my current position, and while I do the yoga training this summer, I think it would be a great fit to teach preschool. And you know what? I pitched that clear and concise decision to the Universe, and as soon as it heard it, it gave it to me. Thank you Universe.

How lucky I am to be a part of this wonderful place! :D

Advertisements

Frustration

Screen Shot 2014-05-27 at 2.49.19 PM

Boredom.

What is boredom?

I’ve always thought only boring people get bored.

But recently, I’ve started to believe that anyone can become bored. I don’t consider myself a boring person. In fact, I consider myself spontaneous, exciting, funny, fun, thoughtful, etc. This is not to toot my own horn. I really just don’t think I am a boring person.

So, why the heck have I felt so bored today?

Mostly, I think it’s just because I have a boring job. I sit in a cubicle, all day, by myself with minimal interaction with other humans. My job requires little-to-no brain power and I can finish everything that is expected of me in one day within an hour if I truly worked hard. What do I think about this? I think it’s ridiculous. I think this is a huge contributor of my boredom and unhappiness.

I think my boredom is a sign of something hugely more significant. I think this boredom is trying to tell me something. I think it’s been trying to tell me for a months now. I am not on the right path. I am not doing something I love or care about. I am not living to my full potential.

This is so clear to me, and yet it’s so easy to feel stuck. We all need to pay bills. We want to have health insurance. Of course, on a lighter, but still human level, we all want to feel like we have some place to wake up and go to every morning. But what do you do when you really feel like you are just spinning your wheels, living every day in and out, in complete and utter boredom?

I know I have a dream. I know there is a path that I truly want to take, and I know that it’s not the one I am currently on. But I can’t make time move any faster. I can’t make potential employers call me. I can’t make my current job different than it is. Every day I come in bright and cheery, ready for a day of excitement, challenge, and passion, and everyday I struggle as I watch the clock and the hours of my miserable, boring life go by.

I want to do something! I want to take action! I want to wake up and feel excited everyday, to go to work, to do something I care about, to make a difference in this world for once. I don’t want to sit behind a desk, alone and bored, waiting for something to happen – waiting for an email that will change my life. I want to actually make something happen. But what?! What can I do?? I’ve applied to a bunch of jobs. I cannot make them offer me a position.

I am doing Yoga Teacher Training this summer. That is the path I want. But the thing is, it doesn’t start for 3 more weeks! (I realize that does not sound so far away) but I am not getting paid to do the training. It’s a baby step that is going to put me in the right direction. But it’s time for something to change NOW. While I do the training, I need to make money. I need to be able to pay my bills. I would like to have health insurance.

So, alas, I am stuck with my current job until something changes. I’ve made a list of the things I am grateful for, and while it helps to focus on the positive, to focus on what I have and not on what’s missing, it doesn’t actually cure my boredom. It doesn’t ignite my passion or my energy. It doesn’t make time move. It doesn’t make employers call me.

UGH.

Today I am frustrated.

Frustration to Anger to Forgiveness

Forgive

I woke up this morning thinking, “Forgive him, for he knows not what he’s done.”

…or something like that.

When I had this thought this morning, I had no idea it was a religious saying. In my heart, I woke up and decided that forgiving is what I am going to need to do. And I can’t say that I am 100% ready to do it yet, but I think acknowledging that it’s in my near future is a good start.

I was so angry yesterday. I’ve had a few angry thoughts this morning, but not as many as yesterday. But today I am realizing that the anger will get me nowhere. When I was talking to my brother yesterday, he asked me such an important question, and it was even kind of simple, really– “Ok. You’re Right. But, why does that make you angry?”

What a profound thing. This is not to say he didn’t validate my feelings. I am allowed to feel angry at what’s happened. I’m allowed to feel mad and even some other things like betrayal, dishonor, humiliation, depression. You name it. I can feel it. But, when you stop to ask such a simple thing, like, “But why does that make you angry,” it kind of makes you stop and think, “Hm. That’s a good question. Why do I have to let this shitty thing that happened make me angry?” I think it even helps to heal the negative feelings and recognize that the feelings can just exist without controlling you. Why DO certain events make me feel angry? What good does that do me anyway?

I think, for me, one thing that often comes out as anger is actually just frustration. I may sound angry, yes, but I think it’s frustration doing the talking. This is something I need to learn to control. And even if I do feel frustrated, that’s okay. Maybe frustration is a sign that something isn’t right and you need to make a change to help it out. Whatever it is, it’s normal to have. So, maybe I can learn to just channel it.

But this post isn’t really supposed to be about anger or frustration. This post is supposed to be about forgiveness. Part of my biggest frustration these last few weeks (which came off as anger I said) was because I was trying to convince someone to see something that they would never be able to see. And this is not this person’s fault. This person knows not what he does. If he did, I genuinely think he’d be so upset. And I think it’d be impossible for him to let any truth in to what I’ve said because if he did it would give light to too much that he would never want to see.

So, there it is. That’s it. I need to let go of it. I can only control what I think and what I do, and I cannot convince others to see things. You can try, but it might just be an exercise in frustration. A tiring one.

So, the next step is forgiveness. If I stay frustrated (angry?) then I am only hurting myself. Anger will only get me so far until it just burns a whole in my little heart. It’s only been a day, so maybe I’ll stay angry for a little bit longer, but then I will forgive and forget. Because that’s what is best for me.

I forgive you– for you know not what you do.